This Has Got To Be It!

I’ve been wondering for the past 2-3 years whether my experience, which was diagnosed by my psychiatric doctor, Dr. Kabul Budianto, as affective schizophrenia, were simply that (psychotic state, delusions, etc.) or there’s more to it… spiritually?

I’ve also been increasingly thinking that these guys “don’t know nothing” about my condition. Be them doctors, Ph.D.’s, or whatever! Much less my friends, my loved ones, and even my religious teachers.

One of the comments about the book The Kundalini Experience: Psychosis or Transcendence, states:

“I recommend this as an intro into the understanding of what Grof and Grof have dubbed “spiritual emergence,” an increasingly common pattern of psychobiological activity often misdiagnosed as psychotic. — Craig Chalquist, M.S., creator of the Thineownself self-exploration site.

Many other comments express similar agreement, as also seemingly the contents of this book.

Moreover, an independent Psychedelics survey (psychedelics are drugs used to induce, among others, hallucinations) reports enlightening results (at least for me):


I.Physiological level

A. Motor
1. Spontaneous performance of asanas (postures) even if the aspirant knows no Hatha yoga. (@,#)
2. Spontaneous twisting and/or revolving of the body and limbs, dance-like gestures. (#)
3. Spontaneous movement of hands in formal Indian dance patterns. (#)
*4. Trembling of the body (#)

B. Non-Motor
*1. Sensations of heat or cold. (@),(#) 2. Constriction of breathing. (#)
3. Automatic breathing of various kinds. Temporary stoppage of breath. (@)
*4. Spontaneous laughter, tears of joy (@); automatic/involuntary laughing or crying. (#)
*5. Creeping sensations in the spine (#)
*6. Tingling sensations through the body. (#) Itching or crawling sensations under the skin. (@)
*7. Alterations in sexual desire (usually decreased)

II. Sensory (Special Senses)

*1. Sensory hallucinations: audio, visual, taste and smell.(@)
*2. Audio hallucinations: humming, rushing water, tinkling, bell sounds, etc. (#)
*3. Closed-eye perceptions: dots, lights, flames, geometrical shapes, pure white light. These may be perceived as visions of saints or deities. (#)
4. Utterances of deformed sounds. (@) Spontaneous chanting, singing or vocal noises. (#)
5. Feelings that the body has become extremely huge or small (anima) (#)

III. Emotional

*1. Extreme feelings of ecstasy and divine bliss. (@)
*2. Extreme feelings of fear. (@)
*3. Enhanced sense of empathy
*4. Loss or dissociation of emotions

IV. Cognitive/Spiritual

*1. Recall past lives. (@)
*2. Enhanced intuition and psychic powers (siddhis). (@)
*3. Feelings of unseen guidance and protection. (@)
*4. Emptying of the mind. (#)
*5. There is an experience of being a witness in the body.(#)
*6. Questions may arise in the mind and be spontaneously answered (revelation or enhanced insight). (#)
*7. The hidden meaning behind the (Indian) scriptures are revealed. (@)
*8. Mystical experience

Table 1: List of Effects of Awakened Kundalini. Note; (*) lines of the list are attributes identified in the psychedelic drug survey. Lines marked (@) are from [2] and lines marked (#) are from [3].

Most, if not all, of the effects described above are true in my personal experience. Which makes me wonder, have I had awakened my “kundalini”? (or whatever, more generally called self-realization)

Note that when I experienced it, I did not use any psychedelic drugs whatsoever. It came naturally, and immediately. And I hadn’t even felt any depression, as most people accused me of, including Dr. Kabul, my psychiatrist.

The effects were so great though, as I immediately were instituted into a mental facility after a week or so in that state. I recovered very quickly, less than a week. About a year later though, I experienced (I guess) the same thing, and I was instituted again.

The question remains, what will I make out of it?

Update: Overheard from (emphasis mine)

I required anti-psychotic medication to allow my brain and nervous system to rest and heal. Sadly, these medications probably cause physical damage to dopamine receptors. Martinus in his books also mentions the dangers of certain kundalini awakenings.

This is exactly also what I thought! That’s why I was so reluctant to use medication! But I loved my mother, and I didn’t really want to go back into that state where my mother sat beside me, crying, having that look that really destroyed my heart, and I only said (I was tied up on the mental insitution’s bed): “Mom, it’s alright. I’m fine. Why are you crying? I love you so much.” I also told her that Jesus will protect her, protect me, and all of us; although I am a muslim and I was aware of that fact at that time. (My mother is a Christian.)

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