How to Find The Woman of Your Dreams

How to Find The Woman of Your Dreams

Keep knowing people.

I’ve learned that the best way to find the woman of your life is to befriend the potential love partners that you meet in your life, until you have the capability to make a firm decision.

Being in a relationship, without clear purpose and time limit, will make it harder for you to be decisive.

If you find that you’re unable to attract the women you like, that means you need to improve yourself. But you can improve yourself without being in a relationship, actually it makes it easier, since being in a relationship (with a woman you don’t really want to get married to) may make you “lazy to improve”.

When you have attained your decisiveness, then you can decide whether a woman is good enough for you to move into serious relationship towards marriage, considering all the trade-offs (your age, her age, job, lifestyle, her potential to be snatched by other, etc.). No more gray area.

Are There (Many) Women in This World Who Can Be My “Miss Right” But That I May Never Meet?

Yes, that is why it’s important for you to make effort to improve yourself, as well as increase your chances of meeting women.

Why is improving yourself important? Because a simplistic way to say this statistically is that you need to know there are two groups of women:

  1. Single women who may like you. The more attractive you are (both physical and non-physical attributes), the more women are in this group. Any undesirable and negative attributes you have will decrease the numbers.
  2. Single women who you like (“Miss Right”). The more attributes you desire from a woman, the women in this group will be smaller.

Those “Miss Right” are women who happen to belong to both groups at once. This is important because no matter how many women that fit into your criteria, you won’t have a chance of good relationship even if you meet them unless you also meet her criteria.

So, start improving yourself. Perhaps all this time you’ve been meeting these “Miss Right” women all along, but they didn’t notice you.

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Can You Marry Someone With A Different Religion?

Can You Marry Someone With A Different Religion?

The person I love is from a different religion. She thinks it won’t work, her parents wouldn’t approve. What should I do?

This is so much more about risk than it is about her parents (and yours).

Different religion will bring risks and challenges during both of your life together, your children’s life, relationship with neighbors, society, and families.

These risks and challenges are on top of other risks and challenges you’ll face because of personality, conflicting values, economy, faithfulness, and so on.

Religion won’t be the only problem you’ll face, but you’ll wish you don’t have that problem when you have other problems piling up on you. Life isn’t a game where you can reset and replay. Life has serious permanent consequences, especially when you make a big mistake.

My Advice?

Work on improving your attractiveness. Your question is result of tunnel vision, you may feel that you’re on a tight situation, but actually you can make effort to expand your choices.

Besides, if she already feels that it won’t work, that means the only reason left why she’s still into you is because you currently don’t have another choice. But what happens if you do have a choice?

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What Makes A Man Attractive?

What Percent of People Are Attractive?

It would take too many research and calculation in order to answer this question in a comprehensive and accurate manner.

So allow me to answer this objectively, but for a limited scope of:

  • only the height trait of attractiveness
  • only male
  • only in United States
  • only those aged 20–29
  • using publicly available data from 2007–2008

Since even height is a measurable trait of attractiveness, just how tall a man should be in order to qualify as “attractive” is still subjective to some extent. But let’s say he has to be at least 6 feet tall (182 cm). Note you can still use this methodology to change the “minimum height threshold parameter” and you’ll get a valid result for your chosen threshold.

Let’s see the data from US Census Bureau 2011:

So males under 6′ tall make up 79.9% of the US population aged 20–29 years old.

Which means there are 20.1% potentially attractive males, based on height alone.

Sorry that I still haven’t provided a definite answer, but at least I have narrowed it down: Attractive males make up less than 20.1% of the US population.

Now all you have to do is narrow it further for other traits: weight, wealth, facial features, and so on. The percentage would decrease even more for each trait you add. Some of the traits would have extremely high variation of subjectivity that you’d need to create different versions of your study for each target audience. For example: political orientation, religion.

So that’s the numbers.

My opinion? I myself don’t need to know the exact number. I am satisfied with a fuzzy answer of “very few” which is accurate enough for some of the objective traits and given the high variation of subjective traits.

So, armed with this newfound knowledge, what would you do about it?

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Why Would Anyone Marry Me? I Have Many Issues

Why Would Anyone Marry Me? I Have Many Issues

Having issues do reduce your chances of getting a spouse, as there are traits men want from women (and vice versa).

While I or anyone can always pick a few anecdotes of highly unlikely marriages, I don’t think it’s wise to depend so much on luck.

On the other hand, you can also increase your chances of marriage, summed up in “only” three things to do:

  1. For those attributes you’re already good at, keep it up! For example, if you’re a good listener, see if your crush appreciates it.
  2. For those attributes you’re not so good at, make effort to improve at least some of it, gradually.
  3. For those attributes you’re terrible at, you’ll need to fix it. For example, if you’re rude and mean to (some) people, it’s time to learn how to be polite and compassionate.

While I said “only”, it’s actually a lifetime work. But you need to start now.

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What Are The Most Important Attributes A Man Need in A Woman?

What Are The Most Important Attributes A Man Needs in A Woman?

I’ll be honest. But I’ll only list a few important attributes a man needs in a woman:

  • Beauty
  • Good health
  • Same religion
  • Good heart
  • Intelligence
  • Good family
  • Patience

Is That All?

No that isn’t all. There are many more. Yet every man has different preferences and priorities.

How Do I Keep Up With It?

You really don’t have to.

What you should do depends on your current situation: are you still looking for a man, or you’re already in a relationship with a man?

If You’re Still Looking…

There are “only” three things to do:

  1. For those attributes you’re already good at, keep it up! For example, if you’re a good listener (yep, a rarity among women), see if your crush appreciates it.
  2. For those attributes you’re not so good at, make effort to improve at least some of it, gradually.
  3. For those attributes you’re terrible at, you’ll need to fix it. For example, if you’re rude and mean to (some) people, it’s time to learn how to be polite and compassionate.

While I said “only”, it’s actually a lifetime work. But you need to start now.

If You’re Already In A Relationship…

It’s actually easier, as you just need to ask him. He’ll need to be honest. He may try to be sweet and say “you’re already perfect” and if you’re content with it then it’s fine. But in a healthy relationship it’s better to understand each other’s expectations. You may not fulfill every expectation he has (it’s practically impossible for that), and he also may not fulfill every expectation you have (which is even beyond impossible, ha!)

There is always a reason to improve yourself.

And in the unfortunate case if you later break up with him, you’ll become a better person.

I Feel Ugly, What Choices Do I Have?

Improve your health and your attitude, be a fun and warm person.

The reason is there are several (actually many!) traits men want from women, looks is only one factor.

Other than inner beauty (attitude), health is probably most overlooked. Not smoking, not drinking alcohol, and a healthy habit of exercise and hygiene care is a plus that will be appreciated by him and his family. You’re right that (too much) make up is not good, it can even be bad for your skin’s health.

Being more intelligent is another way. But being intelligent and nice at the same time, that takes practice and sincerity. And that makes a woman more attractive than other not-so-intelligent and not-so-nice women, regardless of looks.

There’s no need to deny that attractive women do have more choices in attracting men, even the simple act of them being there can attract men. Accept that fact and realize that unattractive women still have choices too.

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How Does It Feel to Be An Ugly Girl?

How Does It Feel to Be An Ugly Girl?

From what I know from my honest not-so-pretty friends in Indonesia and other countries: being an ugly girl feels lonely. Sometimes it’s true loneliness (no friends) but mostly loneliness due to lack of boyfriend.

People around them don’t treat them as well as they treat pretty girls, so this can lead to jealousy.

Both feelings and other feelings can lead to depression.

(Curiously, even pretty girls do feel lonely, jealous, and depressed as well, but for entirely different reasons. It seems illogical, but pretty girls tend to be more insecure than ugly ones.)

Can An Ugly Girl Be Happy?

On the other hand, while being ugly can be a challenge it doesn’t prevent happiness. She will need to learn to accept it, and focus her energy on positive things. By doing this it’s more likely she will attract good friends, a love partner, enjoyable work and activities, and overall enjoy a quality life.

Do you have an experience you want to share?

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Why Is A Girl Rude to You (As A Boy)

Why Is A Girl Rude to You (As A Boy)

Are Beautiful Girls Better or Worse Than Ugly Girls?

Some girls are better than others, but usually the “score” is relative to what traits that each guy wants. For example, which one do you value better: her cooking skills or academic accomplishments? Different guys will answer differently, and that goes on for other things.

But even that “scoring” is independent to how a girl looks.

Yet in the real world, a girl’s behavior is shaped by the environment and people’s behavior around her. That’s what caused what you perceive as “ugly girls behavior” versus “beautiful girls behavior” stereotypes. Rather than thinking of beautiful girls negatively, you should try to understand what triggers a girl’s good and bad behaviors. Usually it involves understanding more about her background.

As a simple example, in any given situation, it’s far more likely for a beautiful girl to get a smile, a nice greeting, an “I like you” message, a dinner invitation, up to sexual harassment, than an ugly girl. As you can imagine, a beautiful girl gets a multiply of not just the good things but also the terrible things that can happen to her. So a girl’s behavior will reflect her past experience.

You should make effort so that the good girls will treat you well (regardless of their looks), and the bad girls (again, regardless of their looks)… well I don’t think it does you any good to be near them anyway. Ask yourself: have ever mistreated a good beautiful girl just because you put them in the same camp as beautiful girls (who are “automatically” bad)?

Beautiful girls’ “bad” behavior is caused by an environment that is psychologically unhealthy. In my experience, in a healthy environment, the beautiful girls will actually be nicer than ugly ones because they’re consistently being treated positively. The ugly girls tend to be not as nice because they get less positive reactions from the people around them. Research by Jackson and Huston in 2014 mentions that “physically attractive females evidencing greater assertiveness than their less physically attractive counterparts.” It’s unfortunate, but that’s what reality gives us.

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how to tell a boy i like him without saying it

How to Tell A Boy I Like Him Without Saying It

Let’s assume it’s possible for you to see him almost regularly, perhaps because you’re both in the same school or university or workplace.

Let’s consider the alternatives. You can be just subtle but he will hardly notice you (don’t worry, he won’t think you’re a freak). You can also let him know about you, but you may not get what you want in the end: just walking up to him saying “Hi I am **** and I like you” is a way of doing this.

Actually, you can be both subtle and get to know each other over time.

I suggest you to approach and talk to him. Am I serious? Yup, but since you’re asking this question chances are that also want to know exactly how is this even possible. There a number of ways but the easiest is to use a gimmick.

An example of a gimmick can be a flyer (of a festival, exhibition, etc.). So while you’re handing out a flyer to him, you can casually ask “So what do you think of this event? Will you come? Why not? What kind of events do you prefer? Oh, really, how’s it like? Sounds cool to me too.” As a bonus, you can strike conversation with other boys too: it doesn’t hurt to expand your choices.

If you don’t have such gimmick, it can also be made out of thin air. Have a pen and paper and approach him to ask his help for your survey (from your teacher or your parents or your boss or your friend). You can ask his opinion about topics such as video games, movies, music, arts, or pretty much anything. If you run out of questions then just browse Quora. 😉

Your goal isn’t to tell him you like him but to get something going so you can begin to know each other. So, also let him know of your opinions, what’s your experience on the things he does/doesn’t like. It may or may not end with exchanging mobile number or befriend in Facebook (it’s a plus), but that doesn’t matter much at this point.

Ok so that’s for the first time. While you can do similarly for second time, you don’t have to! You can just say “Hey, you’re that guy from last time!” or maybe both of you already knew each other’s names. And of course you can smile. Then you can either start a conversation or go on with you were doing, but at least you and him are no longer strangers.

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How to Get A Girlfriend if You Are Ugly?

How to Get A Girlfriend if You Are Ugly?

Assuming you have good personality, there’s one that you can have that will make it very hard for any girl and her parents and to reject you:

Wealth.

I’ve checked. I’ve searched Quora for “I’m rich but why don’t I have a girlfriend?” and there’s no such question! Feel free to check for yourself. (let me know if I’m wrong, please!)

Is Being Rich Really That Important?

First let me clarify: while richness can buy an expensive car and huge apartment, you’d be mistaken to think of it as the primary indicator of wealth.

Being rich means a healthy net worth with assets, few liabilities, and positive cash flow. An expensive car means high liability. Some people who are lucky enough to afford to buy expensive cars aren’t actually rich enough for their assets to generate abundant positive cash flow. I wouldn’t do that if I had the chance.

So in case you do get rich, make sure you get a girlfriend who knows the difference between being financially wise versus being materialistic.

How Important Is It to Improve Your Financial Situation to Get A Girlfriend?

This depends.

If you’re already economically viable —you have a pretty good daily job, you own a permanent home, you have insurance and a bit of savings— then it’s more important for you to focus on good personality and other positive traits.

On the other hand… Even if you’re not dead poor, but you’re still below economically viable, then you also need to improve your financial situation in addition to other positive traits.

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What Are Islam Beliefs and Practices?

I live in Indonesia, a country which is home to more than 200 million muslims. I did not accept Islam since birth (although that probably isn’t possible anyway 😉 ) so I tasted a bit about Protestant Christianity when I was a kid. I live in a heterogenous family: although my father is a muslim (and his family), my mother is a Protestant, and my sister was a Protestant before she converted to Catholic when she got married to her Catholic husband. During elementary school I embraced Islam fully.

So I’m a living proof of what religious tolerance really is. In my view, especially in the religions of the people around me: being tolerant is dependent on the person’s personality, not because of religion. I’ve had my share of debates and quarrels with members of my family and extended family, and also among them, however 99% of them are because of personal matters, economy, and other worldly issues. The few cases where we’re discussing differences between religions, it’s always in leisure friendly setting, and then we moved on. So my conclusion is, if you find people that are harsh and intolerant, even if he changes religion many times he will still behave that way, unless he changes his personality.

Ok, so no one is forcing you to convert to Islam. But maybe you’re interested to learn the basics of what Islam is really about. At the core, is Islamic beliefs and practices.

6 Beliefs of Islam

There are 6 core beliefs of Islam that a muslim must accept if he/she wishes to convert to Islam. This is also called Islam’s pillars of iman.

  1. Believe that there is no God but Allah.
  2. Believe that Allah created angels. Nobody living today has ever seen an angel, but if you believe in angels, it’s one requirement for converting to Islam.
  3. Belief in His messengers, including the 25 notable ones: Elishia, Job, David, Dhul-Kifl, Aron, Hud, Abraham, Enoch, Elias, Isa (Jesus), Isac, Ishmael, Lot, Musa (Moses), Nuh (Noah), Salih, Shuaib, Sulaiman (Solomon), Ezra, Jacob, John, Jonah, Joseph, Zachariya, Muhammad.
  4. Believe that Allah descends holy books for His messengers, and the 4 notable ones are: Zabur (holy book of Daud), Tawrat (holy book of Musa/Moses), Injil (holy book of Isa/Jesus), and Qur’an (holy book of Muhammad).
  5. Belief in the Last Day. This world will end at some point, and Allah will raise all humans again from the dead to be judged based on their deeds while living.
  6. Belief in al-Qada (Divine will) and al-Qadar (Divine decree or pre-ordainment). Everything in this universe happens because of the will and decree of Allah, and He has complete knowledge of all events, past or future. Humans have free will, and the free will of humans are still within scope of Allah’s will and decree. This may be hard to understand fully. But you have a choice, you can accept a faith with or without a debate. If you accept this, you’ve checked one requirement for converting to Islam.

5 Practices of Islam

There are 5 core practices of Islam that must be performed by muslims.

  1. Shahada. It is declaring oneself as muslim by saying “I witness that there is no God but Allah, and I witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of God” in Arabic and native language (such as English). When this is done in front of other muslims in the community, then you would have converted to Islam. And you begin your journey as a muallaf, a person newly converted to Islam, who is in need of extensive guidance from the muslim community. Becoming a muslim is not without challenges, and especially when Islam is not the majority like in the United States, the challenges are huge. That’s why getting help and support from the local muslim community is very important. Anyway, in reality shahada is performed multiple times a day (although in private), because when we do salah (muslim prayer) we always recite shahada.
  2. Praying five times a day (Salah). A muslim must perform prayer 5 times a day in specific manner. In a way this teaches discipline in life. However, Islam allows much flexibility if a person is having menstruation, sick or other acceptable reason. So for example, if someone cannot stand then he/she can perform prayer by sitting or laying down, this is not a problem. In addition to the 5 mandatory daily prayers, there are optional prayers that you can do, but still recommended. So just by this practice alone, there are several virtues to learn from: discipline, tolerance, and attention to quality.
  3. Giving charity (Zakat). You need to give a small amount of your wealth for charity. The extremely poor will be exempt from this, as they are the ones receiving the charity.
  4. Fasting (Saum). There is a whole month of Ramadan when muslims are mandated to fast daily from before sunrise to after sunset. This will be a challenge for new muslims, because it’s still a challenge even for those who were born muslim! Especially in the United States where fasting can last from 15 to 18 hours a day depending on the city and time of year. In Indonesia, fasting duration is mostly fixed at 13 hours a day. It is possible to perform fasting on regular days or on special days, either for practice or because it is a good deed.
  5. Pilgrimage to Makkah, Saudi Arabia (Hajj). The pilgrimage is different because it is more complex than the 4 practices above, and also because it requires effort and money that not all muslims are able to do this. But if a muslims has the means to perform pilgrimage, then it becomes mandatory for him/her.

Want to Learn More About Islam?

It has to be signified that nobody can force you to convert to Islam. However, it is a good idea to learn about Islam, so you can better understand what Islam is about, and you become wiser when responding to events that happen around you, such as media reporting of muslims, and so much. Islamophobia is a big problem, getting (mis)information from anti-Islam communities would increase this problem, so one of the best ways to solve this problem would be to know more about Islam from reputable sources. And as all muslims will agree and can confirm to you, in Islam the #1 reputable source of information is Islam’s Holy Book: Al-Qur’an.

The Qur’an (Oxford World’s Classics)

The Qur'an (Oxford World's Classics)

The Qur’an (Oxford World’s Classics)

Al-Qur’an itself is in Arabic, it has not changed since the first time Al-Qur’an was bestowed upon Prophet Muhammad. You’ll need a translation of Qur’an which is easy to understand. The Qur’an by Oxford World’s Classics receives a lot of rave reviews because its translation uses modern plain English that is easy to understand. This is very important because you do not want to misinterpret the meaning of a verse, which can cause confusion. In addition, Haleem provides a general introduction to Islam which will be useful for anyone new to Islam. Al-Qur’an is not an incredibly thick book, it definitely has much fewer pages than Injil (Bible). I suggest you to read Al-Qur’an several pages at a time, and you can finish the whole book in only a few weeks. By then, you will have known the core of Islam teaching. You can also read Qur’an for free at Quran.com.

Welcome to Islam: A Step-by-Step Guide for New Muslims

Welcome to Islam: A Step-by-Step Guide for New Muslims

Welcome to Islam: A Step-by-Step Guide for New Muslims

If you want to convert to Islam then you can read this book on how to become a muslim, which shows you what you need to after being a muslim. It will show you how to perform daily prayers, fasting, and one of the most important things is how to cope with challenges of being a (new) muslim. Getting support that can help you is very important. Because there are things that can make life as a muslim difficult, including in America.

Islam or Muslims?

Islam is the religion, the belief, and the teachings. However, there are many different kinds of muslims: they are the communities, the people. And with people comes human nature, most are good but some are not that good. There are good muslims and bad muslims. There are helpful, knowledgeable muslims and there are ignorant muslims. So again it’s very important that you get help and support from a positive, helpful muslim community.

One such community I know of is SacredLearning.org by Dr. Husain Abdul Sattar, MD in the Islamic Center of Chicago (ICC). You can follow and listen to their weekly gathering/talks as live streaming broadcast. You can also contact them if you live near the area and would like to learn more about Islam.

If you’d like to know a muslim community in your area, leave a comment mentioning your city in the comments, and I’ll try to help you find a muslim community that I think can help you. About the discussion in the comments, I’m aware that this topic may feel controversial to some people, but my hope is to help people who sincerely want to learn about Islam. Please keep the discussion friendly. Although you’re welcome to voice your opinions, I reserve the right to remove comments who are offensive or make others feel uncomfortable.

Do you want to learn about Islam? What do you think about muslims in your community? Let me know in the comments.

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